#humour

my heart has more rooms in it than a whore house ↗

— Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

#humour

Asscrown," I muttered under my breath as I headed to my next class. I wasn't proud of swearing at a complete stranger, no. but he started it. Noah matched my pace. "Don't you mean 'assclown'?" He looked amused. "No," I said, louder this time. "I mean asscrown. The crown on top of the asshat that covers the asshole of the assclown. The very zenith in the hierarchy of asses," I said, as though I was reading from a dictionary of modern profanity. "I guess you nailed me then. ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#mara-dyer #noah-shaw #humour

I kind of have to go to the bathroom," Aria said woozily. Ezra smiled. "Can I come? ↗

— Sara Shepard

#lust #humour

I said, "I'll take the T-bone steak." A soft voice mooed, "Oh wow." And I looked up and realized The waitress was a cow. I cried, "Mistake--forget the the steak. I'll take the chicken then." I heard a cluck--'twas just my luck The busboy was a hen. I said, "Okay no, fowl today. I'll have the seafood dish." Then I saw through the kitchen door The cook--he was a fish. I screamed, "Is there anyone workin' here Who's an onion or a beet? No? Your're sure? Okay then friends, A salad's what I'll eat." They looked at me. "Oh,no," they said, "The owner is a cabbage head. ↗

— Shel Silverstein

#cooking

Don't look back!" "Why not?" "Because I just did! Run faster! ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#nationalism

[startling Giles by walking in on him singing] (Spike) You know, for someone who's got "Watcher" on his résumé, you might wanna cast an eye to the front door every now and again. ↗

— Doug Petrie

#humour #irony #snark #irony

It's hard to maintain a reputation for being grim and mysterious when you're accompanied by a brightly clad young thing, skipping merrily along at your side, holding your hand, and smiling sweetly on one and all. ↗

— Simon R. Green

#irony #irony

I didn't set fire to the building." "No, but you did pull it into the river." "That put the fire out! ↗

— Anthony Horowitz

#alex

The platform underneath the balloon fell on her as she was trying to escape," she explained. "She was crushed." "I'd have been disappointed too. ↗

— Anthony Horowitz

#sarcasm #alex

I thought you were a drunk." "A drunk?" "Bloodshot eyes, dirty clothes, getting home in the wee hours of the morning, making a lot of noise, grouchy all the time as if you had a hangover… what else was I to think?" He rubbed his face. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking. I should have showered, shaved, and dressed in a suit before I came out to tell you that you were making enough noise to raise the dead. ↗

— Linda Howard

#sarcasm #sarcasm