#y

My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off. ↗

— Steve Kluger

#self-consciousness #witty #humor

I would have to break the ice with a warm smile that would melt her heart. ↗

— Tai Odunsi

#humor #love #olympus #percy #valentine

America’s been ruined by one word: Bankers. No, two words: Bankers and lawyers. Make that three words. Add politicians to that list. Oh, and don’t forget the lobbyists. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#banksters #humor #lawyers #lobbyists #politicians

Gabby couldn't believe what he had just said. Her mouth gaped open and a flirty smile came over her. She slowly peeled her half wet white t-shirt over her head and then slowly shimmied out of her shorts. What had gotten into her? She had never acted like this before, but she suddenly felt playful, fun and daring. If he wanted to play, so could she. ↗

— J.B. McGee

#girly #sexy #sexy-humor #women #humor

You're doing fucking awesome, Colt whispers in my ear and I can't help but smile at that. Only he would use the word 'fuck' at my mom's funeral. ↗

— Nyrae Dawn

#funny

I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It's really almost funny. If I could lift a finger I would gladly kill myself. ↗

— Will Christopher Baer

#stupidity #suicide #funny

‎"Sarge, mr. Nurd here is threatening to turn me to jelly." "really?" said Sarge. "what flavor? ↗

— John Connolly

#gates #humor #john-connolly #science-fiction-fantasy #humor

The only excursion of my life outside of New Orleans took me through the vortex to the whirlpool of despair: Baton Rouge. . . . New Orleans is, on the other hand, a comfortable metropolis which has a certain apathy and stagnation which I find inoffensive. ↗

— John Kennedy Toole

#ignatius-j-reilly #new-orleans #humor

Daughters can spend ten percent more than a man can make in any usual occupation. That’s a law of nature, to be known henceforth as ‘Harshaw’s Law. ↗

— Robert A. Heinlein

#money #humor

Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning. ↗

— Alan Bradley

#holidays #humor #poison #humor