#asshole

My meat smells like cat food. Makes me want to lick my own asshole.
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— Jarod Kintz

#cats #food #lick #meat #food

Pain was as much a part of this life as the summer and the winter and the rain, and there was no greater asshole than the one who believed you can cure it. ↗

— Brian McGreevy

#believe #cure #life #pain #rain

I can play the trumpet, but only if I have a sufficient quantity of anal lube.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#anal-lube #asshole #music #trumpet #music

Pretty people do ugly things. It was one of those laws of nature that Gaia had understood for years. If she ever started to forget that ride for a second, there always seemed to be some good-looking asshole ready to remind her. ↗

— Francine Pascal

#good-looking #pretty-people #nature

I cut off his fingers to get him to talk, and when he'd confessed everything I wanted to hear, I had his fucking tongue cut out, and the stump cauterized." Everyone in the room stared at him. "I called him an asshole, too," said Locke. "He didn't like that. ↗

— Scott Lynch

#bondsmagi #cauterizing #tongues #torture #torture

I like people thinking I'm an asshole. Being an asshole is my life's vocation; I'm a goddamned asshole professional. ↗

— James Alan Gardner

#life

When approaching a prospective human, first ask them what their name is. * If it replies "Brains," blow its fucking head off. * If it replies "Brian," ask it again, as you may have encountered a zombie with a speech impediment, or a zombie that was mildly retarded in life. * Keep in mind that it is entirely possible that you did encounter a human named "Brian. ↗

— Etienne Guerin DeForest

#funny-quotes #humor #zombie #zombie-apocalypse #zombies

↑ top up position down The fact that I suspect I'm an asshole means I probably am not, because a real asshole doesn't think he's an asshole, does he? Therefore, by realizing that I'm an asshole, I am in fact negating that very realization, am I not? Descartes's Asshole Axiom: I think I am; therefor I'm not one. ↗

— Jonathan Tropper

#humor #jonathan-tropper #humor

Bitten? You mean you're a-" "A werewolf," said the girl. "Like everyone else here. Except you, and the asshole. And the asshole's sister. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#clary-fray #humor #jace-wayland #maia #simon-lewis

He was too busy checking out and checking in, making and breaking plans, buying and losing cell phones, playing computer games and pool, looking at stock quotes, and living the chaotic life that effectively took up all his energy and time. ↗

— Dalma Heyn

#men #business