#funny

I wasn't really naked. I simply didn't have any clothes on. ↗

— Josephine Baker

#humor #literal-meaning #nakedness #realtivity #funny

You were lookin’ at me like you wanted to kiss me.” I force a laugh. “Yeah, right,” I say sarcastically. “Nobody’s watchin’ if you want to, you know, try it. Not to brag, but I’m somewhat of an expert. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humour #romance #young-adult-fiction #young-adult-romance #funny

Would you kick her ass already?" Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. "Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad." I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a grunt and staggering back toward my opponent. Behind me, Zeb yelled, "She tried to hurt Fitz!" He turned to Gabriel and Dick. "That'll get her mad." Gabriel rolled his eyes. "She's been framed for murder twice over, shot in the back, her arms were set on fire, and her parents are being held hostage. You think tampered dog water is what's going to make her angry?" "You tried to hurt my dog!" I wheezed as I lurched toward a grinning Missy. ↗

— Molly Harper

#dog #fitz #funny #gabriel #jane-jameson

I prey on innocent villagers and terrify their children," he said with a nasty smile. "And sometimes when I'm feeling really evil, I read books or paint. ↗

— Kate Avery Ellison

#funny #funny

it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong ↗

— Josh Stern

#humor #wrong #funny

Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#eyes #funny #humor #mustache #mustaches

Slayde came out of the kitchen, long brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, T-shirt dusted with flour, coffee in hand. "If you wake the kids up before two, I'm going to beat you with a skillet. ↗

— Sean Michael

#funny

Instead I sounded like a little girl on her first day of kindergarten. My name is Bee, and I like coloring and horsies. ↗

— Kate Avery Ellison

#funny

Captain Jibby looked at the door, clenched his teeth, and worked his face into a scowl so fierce you would think the door had insulted his mother - which, for the record, it had not. ↗

— Cuthbert Soup

#funny #insult #mother #funny

I used to have Santa and the whole coal thing, but between Wade and their father, the little shits get whatever they want. They no longer feel like they need the fat bastard! ↗

— Ethan Day

#humor #funny