#funny

A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady on your skull while you eat.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers. ↗

— Bauvard

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

...a row of tables manned by seated, serious women. Each woman looked like she could be someone's least-favourite aunt. ↗

— Adam Rex

#funny #women #age

Love is like wearing all red to a funeral, out of respect for the fact that the recently deceased got stabbed 17 times by a cherry Kool-Aid flavored icicle. I'd also recommend bringing your own boom box blasting out "Ice Ice Baby" as you dance down the aisle of the church.
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— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#dancing #death #fact #funeral #funny

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.
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— Jarod Kintz

#breakfast #food #funny #humor #love

I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up. ↗

— Dora J. Arod

#fact #factory #facts #funny #humor

Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.
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— Jarod Kintz

#emotion #emotions #funny #hug #humor

I loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and move on.
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— Jarod Kintz

#forget #forgetting #funny #humor #love

If she in fact knows magic she needs to do a spell to adjust that shitty attitude she has all of a sudden,” Nona said. “I may not be a witch, but I will knock her right off that broomstick if she keeps this up. ↗

— Holly Hood

#paranormal-romance #paranormal-series #attitude

I'll drive like my grandma. I'll drive like your grandma." "You wouldn't say that if you knew my gramma. ↗

— Kami Garcia

#humor #kami-garcia #beauty