#funny

I explained my opinion of the ship’s logic. “That is a strange designation,” said the ship. “While I have certain organic elements incorporated into my substructure and decentralized DNA computing components, I am not—in the strictest sense of the term—a biological organism. I have no digestive system. No need for elimination, other than the occasional waste gas and passenger effluvium. Therefore, I have no anus in either real or figurative terms. Therefore, I hardly believe I could qualify to be called an …” “Shut up,” I said. ↗

— Dan Simmons

#design

He done his level best. Was he a mining on the flat.. He done it with a zest.. Was he a leading of the choir.. He done his level best. If he'd a reg'lar task to do, He never took no rest.. Or if 'twas off and on the same.. He done his level best. If he was preachin' on his beat, He'd tramp from east to west, And north to south ..in cold and heat.. He done his level best. He'd Yank a sinner outen (Hades), And land him with the blest; Then snatch a prayer'n waltz in again, And do his level best. He'd cuss and sing and howl and pray, And dance and drink and jest, He done his level best. Whate'er this man was sot to do He done it with a zest; No matter what his contract was, He'd do his level best... ↗

— Mark Twain

#humorous #mark-twain-inspirational #inspirational

I need to be cheered up a lot. I think funny people are people who need to be cheered up. ↗

— Lynda Barry

#funny #funny people #i #i think #lot

Oh, Zoeybird, did I call your mother's husband a damn turd monkey outloud?' 'Yes, Grandma, you did.' She looked at me, her dark eyes sparkling. 'Good. ↗

— P.C. Cast

#chosen #funny-things-grandparents-say #house-of-night #turd-monkey #funny

You know, there are just some things you never expect to face even on this job. A flying primate that shoots fire out its nose is one of them. ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#funny

I thrust the picture at his chest. He takes it and squints at it in the softening light. Then his eyes widen. "Holy shit," he breathes. "Is this the girl that ate you?" "Ha, no. You're funny." I snatch my picture back. "So I was super fat. It's my father's fault. He never hugged me." "So, what, you ate him? ↗

— Nicole Christie

#funny

You're serious?" "As a heart attack." I set my bag down and leaned on the counter. Okay, Hunter Zaccadelli, you could make me dinner. "Stuffed French toast, sweet potato hash and strawberries and cream." "Breakfast for dinner? You rebel, you. ↗

— Chelsea M. Cameron

#dinner #funny #hunter-zaccadelli #my-favorite-mistake #rebel

Sam grinned. He even laughed. "What's funny?" She demanded. "I figured something out before Astrid the Genius. I am totally enjoying that. I'm just going to gloat here for a minute." "Enjoy it, it may never happen again," Astrid said. ↗

— Michael Grant

#gone-series #michael-grant #funny

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humanity #humor #funny

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #trees #funny