#funny

Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that "women aren't funny." Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups. ↗

— Tina Fey

#feminism #humor #funny

People who agree to toil for minimum wage are natural slaves. But I’m not among that group. I volunteer to work for those slaves for free. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #slavery #work #funny

I want to volunteer for global flood relief without abandoning my mountaintop, so I’m making a really long straw. Preparation is everything. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #preparation #funny

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #love #funny

If I could convert my love into clay, and then shape it, I wonder if Agatha would expect a Rodin or a Branscusi. In reality it would be neither, as my love sculpture would look exactly like the Grand Canyon. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#love #funny

Spider venom comes in many forms. It can often take a long while to discover the full effects of the bite. Naturalists have pondered this for years: there are spiders whose bite can cause the place bitten to rot and to die, sometimes more than a year after it was bitten. As to why spiders do this, the answer is simple. It's because spiders think this is funny, and they don't want you ever to forget them. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#spider-bites #spiders #funny

Oh, Zoeybird, did I call your mother's husband a damn turd monkey outloud?' 'Yes, Grandma, you did.' She looked at me, her dark eyes sparkling. 'Good. ↗

— P.C. Cast

#chosen #funny-things-grandparents-say #house-of-night #turd-monkey #funny

You know, there are just some things you never expect to face even on this job. A flying primate that shoots fire out its nose is one of them. ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#funny

I thrust the picture at his chest. He takes it and squints at it in the softening light. Then his eyes widen. "Holy shit," he breathes. "Is this the girl that ate you?" "Ha, no. You're funny." I snatch my picture back. "So I was super fat. It's my father's fault. He never hugged me." "So, what, you ate him? ↗

— Nicole Christie

#funny

You're serious?" "As a heart attack." I set my bag down and leaned on the counter. Okay, Hunter Zaccadelli, you could make me dinner. "Stuffed French toast, sweet potato hash and strawberries and cream." "Breakfast for dinner? You rebel, you. ↗

— Chelsea M. Cameron

#dinner #funny #hunter-zaccadelli #my-favorite-mistake #rebel