#funny

I’m trying to decide whether to tell you two to get a room or go barf in the trash can,” Emma said. “I’m leaning toward the second choice. You are both getting way too weird. And gross.” Cal barked out a laugh and slid his fingers down my arm to entwine with mine. His touch, and Emma’s comments, only made me blush more. Looks like Emma saw Cal lick my face after all. Now that wasn’t awkward or anything. ↗

— E.J. Stevens

#emma #funny #legend-of-witchtrot-road #paranormal-romance #quirky

I want to go to a church that speaks in tongues and recite Shakespeare in a foreign language. It will be God's most eloquent exorcism. ↗

— Bauvard

#eloquence #funny #god #humor #funny

Get off me you dirty turnip!" "Dirty turnip? well, pardon me Signor Cabbage-Head! ↗

— Elle Newmark

#funny #luciano #marco #funny

I didn't say what kind of book. You have a foul mind Bingley." "Don't mock me on my sister's wedding day!" "I mocked you on yours; I hardly see how this is as bad," was Darcy's reply. ↗

— Marsha Altman

#marsha-altman #mr-bingley #mr-darcy #funny

Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious. Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her. “Why’s this fish so bloody good?” he demanded, angrily. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#fish #funny #humor #funny

Sadly, however, the sight of her generous D cups no longer sparked an ounce of interest from Little Sam, the man in charge of social activities. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#humour #romance #funny

I’m not one to say I told you so.” Jane sighed. “But I’ll sing it. I toooooold you soooooo!” She finished on one knee, fanning her fingers dramatically. ↗

— Molly Harper

#funny

And it's funny because it was my grandpa who painted it shut (window) in the first place, and he had a whole storage shed full of just about every tool you could imagine. He was one of those guys who thought he could fix anything, but it never worked out quite as well as he planned. He was more of a visionary than a nuts -and bolts kind of guy. ↗

— Nicholas Sparks

#funny

I wish I had only offered you a sovereign instead of ten pounds. Give me back nine pounds, Jane; I’ve a use for it.' 'And so have I, sir,' I returned, putting my hands and my purse behind me. 'I could not spare the money on any account.' 'Little niggard!' said he, 'refusing me a pecuniary request! Give me five pounds, Jane.' 'Not five shillings, sir; nor five pence.' 'Just let me look at the cash.' 'No, sir; you are not to be trusted. ↗

— Charlotte Brontë

#money #funny

Dear Mom, I won't be home this weekend because I'm wanted for treason and I have to clear my name. Also, I took the last Sprite from the fridge. Love, Steve ↗

— Mac Barnett

#note #sprite #funny