#funny

Does mother know you’ve done your best for her? Half her genes are yours. But if you’re an average-sized family, her entire fortune might not be. ↗

— Bauvard

#genetics #humor #inheritence #motherly-love #family

A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny. ↗

— Bauvard

#love #mothers #retirement #funny

I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here? ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#mystery #stephanie-plum #funny

Setting out around midnight, I couldn't help shaking my head, "We're the goddamned hottest vampire hunters ever." I muttered. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#funny

I never knew my father. I saw him at a party once, but he never walked over and introduced himself to me.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#father #funny #humor #introduce #introduction

I possess an object that reminds me of your stepdad’s bowel movements. It’s brown and squishy and smells like yesterday.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#crap #family #feces #funny #humor

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#evil #family #funny #humor #monster

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #food

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #humor #food

If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cannibalism #fast-food #food #funny #humor