#funny

Satisfactory job performance goes against a noble work ethic. Poor job performance goes against a generous welfare ethic. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #job #welfare #work-ethic #funny

A brick can be used as a counting device, particularly if you only need to count up to one.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I glared at him. “You came all the way to Essex just to spy on us?” “Yeah.” He smirked. “I crossed the street. It was really rough. ↗

— Leila Sales

#funny #funny

Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?" Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity. ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#artemis-fowl-humor #funny #relativity #time-travel #funny

Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed with scientific fact taken from documentary films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop. ↗

— Weston Locher

#comedy #essay #funny #humor #funny

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm ↗

— David Cross

#funny #funny-but-sad #humor #humor

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks. ↗

— Criss Jami

#best #conversation #drink #drinking #drunk

Whenever I think of something but can't think of what it was I was thinking of, I can't stop thinking until I think I'm thinking of it again. I think I think too much. ↗

— Criss Jami

#challenge #clever #cognition #cognitive #cognitive-psychology

A forty-foot worm?" Will muttered to Jem as they moved through the Italian garden, their boots-thanks to a pair of soundless runes-making no noise on the gravel. "Think of the size of the fish we could catch." Jem's lips twitched. "It's not funny, you know." "It is a bit." "You cannot reduce the situation to worm jokes, Will. This is Gabriel and Gideon's father we're discussing." "We're not just discussing him; we're chasing him through an ornamental sculpture garden because he's turned into a worm." "A demonic worm," said Jem, pausing to peer cautiously around a hedgerow. "A great serpent. Would that help your inapropriate humor?" "There was a time where my inapropriate humor brought you a certain amusement," sighed Will. "How the worm has turned." "Will- ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor #jem-carstairs #will-herondale #funny

My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.
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— Jarod Kintz

#expansive #expensive #funny #humor #life