#funny

I've always been led to believe that the ultimate goal for an author is the movie deal. Now I understand that the movie deal is merely a MEANS TO A MUCH HIGHER END: NAIL POLISH. ↗

— Kristin Cashore

#hunger-games #nail-polish #funny

Stupid male ego. ↗

— Tera Lynn Childs

#funny #stupid-male-ego #tera-lynn-childs #forgiveness

Spinster: a woman who wants to be free from a man’s bondage, so she goes to work for an employer and remains unburdened by someone willing to pay her mortgage. By virtue of not wading into the gene pool, she never has children who might betray her to a nursing home – her neighbors find some excuse to do that. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #single #spinster #funny

We made up, and I knew just how to do that. I told her, “I feel like dancing. Let me grab my dancing shoes and stick-on mustache (better to tickle your vagina with).” And she replied, “My vagina already has its own mustache. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#random #funny

I want someone to follow me through life and organize the material enough to make it watchable. It will be a lot harder than writing an autobiography, since I'll have to convey my introspection by looking really good. ↗

— Bauvard

#documentary #entertainment #funny #humor #life

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny

This is the silliest thing I've heard since the cat yoga craze a couple of years ago. I went right out and bought a cat yoga instruction book and tiny terry-cloth headband and renamed my girl cat 'Olive Neutered John,' which she didn't think was funny. Cats have no sense of humor. ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#pets #funny

My friend has had sex with half the women in this city. I think he had sex with the lower half of all the women. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #sex #women #funny

EAT SANDWICH, NOT OWN MOUTH. ↗

— Lauren Conrad

#humor #funny

The doctor's wife ate two apples a day, just to be safe. But her husband kept coming home. ↗

— Joseph Gordon-Levitt

#doctor #funny #pun #wife #funny