#funny

When there's an attractive lifeguard on duty I always drown at least twice. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #lifeguards #funny

I wil not calm down. My baby girl is moving halfway across the country.” “She’s been moved away before,” Dad pointed out. “Yeah, but that was with Billy. We all knew he wouldn’t work out. We’re talking about Hank here. Look at him,” she pointed to Hank. “She’s never coming home. Never. ↗

— Kristen Ashley

#funny

Well, anyway, this'll be easier than knocking an elf out of a tree. Trust me.' 'How many elves have you knocked out of trees, Stubble?' 'Duraden's bones! Have ye never heard of a figure of speech? ↗

— Ian Livingstone

#dialogue #fantasy #funny #stubble #zagor

While I'm fixing up this idiot. I want you to get some sleep ... and tell Amano that if he bothers you, I'll break his other leg. ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#meghan #puck #funny

He loves weed like Alaska loves sex," the Colonel said. "This is a man who once constructed a bong using only the barrel of an air rifle, a ripe pear, and an eight-by-ten glossy photograph of Anna Kournikova. Not the brightest gem in the jewelry shop, but you've got to admire his single-minded dedication to drug abuse. ↗

— John Green

#funny

Flutters awakened inside her as he fitted his hands at her waist. "What if I don't like it? What if I want you to stop?" "You'll have a safe word. The second you say it, I'll stop." "What if I forget my safe word?" His lips twitched. "All you have to do is answer a security question, and I'll send you an e-mail to reset it. ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#funny #humor #jason #justine #kinbaku

Well, well, well," said Aitch Dee, his arms folded across his chest. "Well, well, well, well," replied Pavel, not to be out welled. ↗

— Cuthbert Soup

#funny

Gone are the days when the old country doctor would drive out to your house and amputate your infected leg for a basket of goose eggs and a rhubarb pie. ↗

— Cuthbert Soup

#funny

[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST! And that thought just cracked me up.] It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals. ↗

— Sherman Alexie

#dark-humor #funny #irony #misguided-protest #protest

No one here is allowed to die without my permission. ↗

— Doug MacLeod

#funny