#hilarious

I don't know,' he said irritably. 'Is it meant to improve you?' She swiveled toward him, eyes wide with shock. 'Because nothing could,' he added. Her mouth dropped in astonishment. Blotchy scarlet rushed her complexion. One would have thought he'd shot her. Oh dear God! He realized belatedly how wrong it had sounded. 'No! God... that is to say.. nothing is necessary to improve you. Nothing could possibly make you better... than you already are. ↗

— Julie Anne Long

#hilarious #wrong #funny

Laboratory scientists use formaldehyde as a disinfectant or preservative. They don't fucking drink it. ↗

— Rory Freedman

#love

Okay," she said as he lit the candle and hummed the birthday song. "You know,this is all very Jake Ryan of you." "Who's Jake Ryan?" "The hottie from Sixteen Candles—the best teenage movie ever made. The last scene looks just like this," she said, looking around the room. "All right, well, don't you go wishing for him when you blow out the candle." "I love you,Jace. You're the only thing I want. ↗

— Phoebe Lane

#hilarious #love #romantic #love

It was all fun and games until someone else's dick was in your girlfriend's TMJ mouth ↗

— Tara Sivec

#seduction

As if she had summoned them, a flurry of stones flew out of the darkness, striking his mail, pinging off his helm. One hit his unprotected leg and he yelped and clutched it. That was a mistake. The second barrage was entirely directed at his legs. ↗

— Hilari Bell

#stones #hilarious

I don't lack for bed partners, so I don't need to scrounge for unwilling scraps.-Spade ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#hilarious #night-huntress #spade #classics

The alien in my uncle hand obviously taken full control. Soon, it would claw its way out of his stomach and tap dance across my bed ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#hilarious #hilarious

So..." Heather nodded slowly. "We're still here." "Yep. I think your team of SWAT guys got lost. Probably looking for their shirts." She made a face at him. "You're effing hilarious." "I try. ↗

— Chelsea Fine

#chelsea-fine #gabriel #heather #hilarious

When the officer approached the window, he said ‘Papers’ and before he could finish, I shouted, ‘Scissors! I win,’ and drove off. ↗

— Kyle Adams

#hilarious

Just giving Jenny a last minute pep talk before the race," Drew informs him. "There's no need for that, Claire is going to kick everyone's ass." Carter says. Drew laughs and shakes his head. "Oh that's hilarious, limp dick! I know for a fact that Jenny will be the victor." "The Victor? Who's Victor? Is that like some vibrator champion or something? Is the race named after this Victor guy?" Claire pats my shoulder and just smiles at me. I guess she already knows about Victor. I'm always the last to know everything. ↗

— Tara Sivec

#jenny #vibrator-race #hilarious