#humor

Always be nice to people to their face. Then when they turn around, berate the back of their head. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #politeness #funny

• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#funny #humor #humour #kiddnapped #rodney-dangerfield

He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home ↗

— Rachel Gibson

#humor #funny

I don't want my wife to have more sons; the two we have now are too much like her. When we're ready for another child, I'm cloning myself. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

When someone says something offensive and I want to voice my opinion, I hire a spokesman to beat that person up. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #opinions #violence #funny

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil. ↗

— Molly Harper

#humor #politcal-humor #vampires #funny

I situate myself, and seat myself, And where you recline I shall recline, For every armchair belonging to you as good as belongs to me. I loaf and curl up my tail I yawn and loaf at my ease after rolling in the catnip patch." (From Meow of Myself, from LEAVES OF CATNIP) ↗

— Henry N. Beard

#humor #leaves-of-grass #song-of-myself #walt-whitman #humor

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded? ↗

— Victor Borge

#funny #humor #humorous #sneeze #victor

Instead of Rock, Paper, Scissors, you could play Brick, Blanket, Action Fingers, in which brick cripples action fingers, blanket smothers brick and action fingers beats blanket. ↗

— Nicole McKay

#brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny #humor