#humor

Crap, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "I'm thinking we have about fifteen vampires and no blood," Claire said. "Is that it?" "No, I was thinking we're out of chips. Of course that's what I was thinking. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#humor #vampires #humor

We take the shortest route to the puck and arrive in ill humor. ↗

— Bobby Clarke

#humor #ill #puck #route #shortest

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian. ↗

— Mark Twain

#christian #christianity #humor #wisdom #wit

Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain." "I know," said Pooh humbly. ↗

— A.A. Milne

#humor

Before we go, I gotta know: If mind-reading abilities are real, there's something else I wondered if fiction got right about vampires-" "Ask me if I sparkle and I'll kill you where you stand," Bones cut him off with utmost seriousness. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#humor #sparkles #humor

There’s no such thing as free kittens. ↗

— Brian P. Cleary

#kittens #money #observational-comedy #observations #money

That sounds like the sin of pride, Marshal. Better run downstairs and let Miss December flog it out of you. Webcam it and charge by the minute. You won't ever have to take government money again. ↗

— Richard Kadrey

#money

Horst passed him a bottle he had picked up in his rapid trip from there to here. Remarkably, it's contents had survived the transit. "Drink this," he said, unmoved by Cabal's anger. "You need to save your voice for your next session." Cabal took the bottle testily and swigged from it. there was a moments pause, just long enough for Cabal's expression to change from testy to horrified revulsion. He spat the liquid violently onto the grass like a man who has got absent-minded with the concentrated nitric acid and a mouth pipette. He glared at Horst as he took off his spectacles and wiped his suddenly weeping eyes "Disinfectant? You give me disinfectant to drink?" Horst's surprise was replaced with mild amusement. "It's root beer, Johannes. Have you never had root beer?" Cabal looked suspiciously at him, then at the bottle "People drink this?" "Yes." "For non-medical reasons?" "That's right." Cabal shook his head in open disbelief. "They must be insane. ↗

— Jonathan L. Howard

#devil #humor #johannes #necromancer #anger

I want to drown in all the ink used to write positive things about my clone and how great he is. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#clones #funny #greatness #humor #ink

I pointed at Wireman's forehead. "This is your brain," I said. Then I pointed at my easel. "This is your brain on canvas. ↗

— Stephen King

#humor #art