#humor

A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging from. Let the homeowner know how much you care.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though. ↗

— Robert DeCoteau

#celebrity #funny #humor #humorous #quotes

I have a friend who is a funny cook. Her food tastes funny and smells funny ↗

— Haresh Daswani

#food

I feel like I’m going to die,’ he says. ‘Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?’ ‘Only if you do it quietly.’ ‘I met this girl last night. I need your advice.’ ‘Come back later.’ ‘No. You might be dead. ↗

— Doug MacLeod

#humor #funny

Before I sold used cars, I sold used horses. Mostly to glue factories. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#factories #funny #horses #humor #sales

Webster said, ''Time them skeeters get done with that old man, his French blood will be all gone and he will speak American as good as we do. ↗

— Peter Matthiessen

#humorous #funny

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth! ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#funny-humor #humor #humorous #funny

There may be a sucker born every minute, but every 30 seconds a lollipop pops out.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

That’s funny. You would think after being followed and shoved into a dark alley by a stranger, you would be at least a little shaken. Don’t tell me, you are a black belt just waiting for the perfect moment to strike.” He laughed soundlessly. “I mean your words do sound brave but your eyes and the fact that you’re trembling like a scared little kitten say something else entirely.” Even though the alley was submerged in darkness and shadows, it was obvious there was a devilish grin stretched across his face... ↗

— Nicole Rae

#clandestine #scary-humor #slayer #supernatural #vampire

I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and press play as people try to leave. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #shoplifting #funny