#humor

Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!
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— Jarod Kintz

#civilization #civilized #culture #funny #gun

If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it did, I’d stand up and say, “Lecture’s over.”
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cats #college #funny #humor #lecture

It took me a while to realize that I was beginning to flirt with her. The food must have been poisoned. ↗

— Justin Villanueva

#lovers-quarrels #food

Vegtables, what food eats before it becomes food. ↗

— David Weber

#food

Tell me how you need us.” “I think this will be just the two of us.” But as Jon took up his fork, he gave Matt a look. “Still, thanks for all of it. Thanks for being here when I needed it. As usual.” “I will not be hugged,” Matt said sternly. Jon considered the food. “You‟re awfully nurturing for someone who doesn‟t hug.” “Eat it and shut up, or you‟re fired. ↗

— Joey W. Hill

#food

I understand the gist of your speculation,' said Rhialto. 'It is most likely nuncupatory. ↗

— Jack Vance

#humor #vocabulary #humor

Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel. ↗

— Lloyd Alexander

#comebacks #funny #humor #humorous #silly

Forgive me, Your Grace. Are you suggesting a woman is some sort of … piece of fruit to you? One squeeze, and you know if she’s ripe? ↗

— Tessa Dare

#sarcasm #forgiveness

I'd been preparing myself to apologize. Forgive and forget, as Mom says. "Fuck you," I said. ↗

— Tara Kelly

#forgiveness

Dear 2600: Please forgive my last email to your magazine. I was drunk at the time. ↗

— Emmanuel Goldstein

#forgiveness