#humor

Once she called to invite me to a concert of Liszt piano concertos. The soloist was a famous South American pianist. I cleared my schedule and went with her to the concert hall at Ueno Park. The performance was brilliant. The soloist's technique was outstanding, the music both delicate and deep, and the pianist's heated emotions were there for all to feel. Still, even with my eyes closed, the music didn't sweep me away. A thin curtain stood between myself and pianist, and no matter how much I might try, I couldn't get to the other side. When I told Shimamoto this after the concert, she agreed. "But what was wrong with the performance?" she asked. "I thought it was wonderful." "Don't you remember?" I said. "The record we used to listen to, at the end of the second movement there was this tiny scratch you could hear. Putchi! Putchi! Somehow, without that scratch, I can't get into the music!" Shimamoto laughed. "I wouldn't exactly call that art appreciation." "This has nothing to do with art. Let a bald vulture eat that up, for all I care. I don't care what anybody says; I like that scratch!" "Maybe you're right," she admitted. "But what's this about a bald vulture? Regular vultures I know about--they eat corpses. But bald vultures?" In the train on the way home, I explained the difference in great detail.The difference in where they are born, their call, their mating periods. "The bald vulture lives by devouring art. The regular vulture lives by devouring the corpses of unknown people. They're completely different." "You're a strange one!" She laughed. And there in the train seat, ever so slightly, she moved her shoulder to touch mine. The one and only time in the past two months our bodies touched. ↗

— Haruki Murakami

#love #music #romance #surrealism #art

I hate the rhetoric of politicians, but I love it when writers lie to me. If novelists ran for office, I would vote for their characters. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #politics #rhetoric #writing #funny

I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it. ↗

— Patti LaBelle

#laugh #life-lessons #people #funny

Give a poet a pen ↗

— A. Jarrell Hayes

#author #culture #humor #inspirational #liberal-arts

Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the only zombie cats are Siamese cats. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #zombie #funny

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#comedy #demetri-martin #fly #funny #humor

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work, but two different paths. Who knows, I might find love on one path. Probably the path I don’t choose. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #love #odd

Even the young are not remaining young at heart anymore. Nowadays people stop committing juvenile offenses before they even get into their twenties. ↗

— Bauvard

#delinquency #funny #humor #youth #funny

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#humor #humorous #funny

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #humor #humorous #funny