#humor

It is always cruel to laugh at people, of course, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#humor

Four flips the gun in this hand, presses the barrel to Peter's forehead, and clicks a bullet into place. Peter freezes with his lips parted, the yawn dead in his mouth. "Wake. Up," Four snaps. "You are holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it. ↗

— Veronica Roth

#humor

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #joke #prank #humor

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#fatal #humor #isabelle-lightwood #pasta #humor

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it. ↗

— David Sedaris

#perception #retardation #humor

No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?" "What?" "Oh, you'd like something simpler? ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #interrogation #police #humor

I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me. ↗

— Lady Gaga

#fame #grammy #humor #lady-gaga #music

They turned to Angel. "We will call you Little One," the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing. "Okay," said Angel agreeably. "I'll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat." He frowned. "That can be his Indian name," I suggested. ↗

— James Patterson

#humor #maximum-ride #humor

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#humor

Well, I certainly don't," said Percy sanctimoniously. "I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be if I was away from work for five days." "Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?" said Fred. "That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway!" said Percy, going very red in the face. "It was nothing personal!" "It was," Fred whispered to Harry as they got up from the table. "We sent it. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor