#humor

Sounds become more like other sounds that neighbor them. That is why one congressman oinks, another moos, and another bleats. ↗

— Bauvard

#congress #funny #humor #funny

Fletch then kisses me on the forehead before opening the cabinet under the coffeemaker to grab placemats and napkins. Retrieving these items is his job because I kind of don't like to bend. I also refuse to carry anything heavier than my purse. ↗

— Jen Lancaster

#humor

Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts. ↗

— Will Cuppy

#apes #humor #humorous #mammals #primates

All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental. ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#paraphrased #humor

His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I wondered how this stranger could shake my hand, look me in the eye, smile, and expect me to believe such a bold-faced lie? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#death #funny #hilarious #humor #introduction

You're such a pain in the ass. (Butch) Said the SIG to the Glock. (V) ↗

— J.R. Ward

#humor #vampire #friendship

Time is such a waste of time to think about, because the longer you ponder it, the more of it you lose. And before you know it, you don’t know it, because you are nothing but dusty worm food. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #knowledge #loss #ponder

Sometimes I'm beside myself wondering who is next to me. ↗

— U.L. Harper

#inspirational #u-l-harper #humor

When the gap between the rich and the poor is so huge that you can’t help pointing it out – that’s when you risk being labeled a pervert. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #inequality #perversion #funny

He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I'm just saying." - Warren ↗

— Brandon Mull

#centaurs #funny #humor #patton #warren