#humor

To make a current example, the world can find human interest in the death and the love affairs and the pallid addiction to cocaine of Mr. Sherlock Holmes. ↗

— John Albert Macy

#john-albert-macy #sherlock-holmes #death

I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#coffin #death #funny #gift #humor

For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#birthday #dead #death #funny #gift

I don't fear death--I fear dying before I've read Dickens end to end. ↗

— Amy Smith

#literature #reading #death

It was the first day in the life of the new lean and mean Peabody. An hour later, she lay on the grubby floor wheezing like the dying. Her quads and hamstrings burned, her glutes wept, and her arms couldn't stop screaming for mama. "Never doing this again," she announced. "Yes, you are," she corrected. "Can't. Dying. Can. Will. Help me, I think I broke my ass. Wimp, pussy. Shut up. ↗

— J.D. Robb

#peabody #death

The cops came by and said my nemesis had been poisoned, shot, stabbed, beaten, hung, drowned, and subjected to Gilbert Gottfried’s voice at a high decibel level. “Ah,” I said, “so you suspect his death was a suicide.”
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#death #funny #humor #nemesis #police

Whoa," Thomas said, feeling bolder by the minute. "Slim it nice and calm there, old fella. You look three steps away from a heart attack. ↗

— James Dashner

#rat-man #thomas #death

Death was standing behind a lectern, poring over a map. He looked at Mort as if he wasn’t entirely there. Yᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇɴ'ᴛ ʜᴇᴀʀᴅ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ Bᴀʏ Oғ Mᴀɴᴛᴇ, ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ? he said. “No, sir,” said Mort. Fᴀᴍᴏᴜs sʜɪᴘᴡʀᴇᴄᴋ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ. “Was there?” Tʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ, said Death, ɪғ I ᴄᴀɴ ғɪɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀᴍɴ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #death

This was how I would die. Strangled by an attractive, seminaked woman inside a fridge with a giant tarantula in the middle of a sea of carnivorous jam. As I blacked out, all I could think of was a fortune teller I'd spoken to a few years ago, and how full of shit she'd turned out to be. ↗

— Yahtzee Croshaw

#death #dying #hindsight #humour #death

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#humor