#humorous

You’re not going to let her do this, are you?” Bones snorted. “Let her? Mate, if you think you can control a woman, you must be single—-and a thousand pounds says she beats your arse. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#cat #humorous #humor

Elsa's joke Where do baby apes sleep? In apricots! ↗

— Jacqueline Wilson

#humor

Stupid deer," I said, embarrassed about being startled. "We need a ladder." "I think they're easier to shoot with a rifle." "I'm not talking about the deer," I said, hitting Milo on the back of his shoulder. "We need a ladder to look over the wall." "Or a catapult," Milo said seriously. ↗

— Obert Skye

#deer #humorous #shooting #humor

The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store. ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#humorous #funny

A true Vor, Miles told himself severely, does not bury his face in his liegewoman's breasts and cry--even if he is at a convenient height for it. ↗

— Lois McMaster Bujold

#miles #vorkosigan #humor

In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV...never had a garage sale. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#humor

Throughout life try to remember...to always keep your head up high and your middle finger higher! ↗

— Timothy Pina

#humor

I should think this a gull, but that the white-bearded fellow speaks it; knavery cannot, sure, hide himself in such reverence. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#humor

It's just going to add to him thinking that I am a crazy, wanky, greenie, hybriddriving hippie," I complained. "Has he seen your bomb of a car?" Fran asked in disbelief. "Greenpeace arranges a protest every time it leaves your driveway. ↗

— Sean Kennedy

#humor

And now Kit’s cock—which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment—woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up. ↗

— Amy Lane

#masturbation #nsfw #humor