#humorous

(About sweeping).... What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humorous #ironic #irony #laughable #change

Quadruple crap. Why couldn’t I control myself? Why did he have this effect on me? “Are you compelling me right now?” To my surprise, his smile held an edge of sadness. “That would give you a much needed excuse, but I am afraid I am not.” Curse my body for reacting to his. As long as I kept him out of my heart, I would be okay. “I think it a bit too late for that, my dear.” “You’re using old man speak again.” I made a face. “It’s creepy.” He chuckled. “I’ll try to remember that, but I haven’t been around humans much in the past hundred years. It’s hard to keep up with the changes in common dialect.” “Let’s keep on topic, Jett. You were going to teach me how to control my mind. ↗

— Christie Rich

#change

This has always bothered me. If "Change" is the only constant how can we have absolutes? ↗

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

#change

While a kind man was working up the nerve to ask me on a date, I was working up the nerve to kill him with my bare hands ↗

— Amy McAuley

#dating

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead. ↗

— Chuck Palahniuk

#death-and-dying #humor #humorous #humorous-quotations #internet

I was out of salt so I threw pepper over my left shoulder for luck and the poor guy behind me almost sneezed himself to death. ↗

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

#death

It's not what I'd want for at my funeral. When I die, I just want them to plant me somewhere warm. And then when the pretty women walk over my grave I would grab their ankles, like in that movie. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#death #funerals #humorous #death

Holidays were invented so single women could overeat without feeling guilty. ↗

— Elizabeth Jane Howard

#humorous-quotes #diet

When you fall asleep after a big lunch you're really just saving up energy to work off all the calories later on. ↗

— Elizabeth Jane Howard

#exercises #humorous-quotes #diet

Your ma's dating?" Tim looks shocked. "I thought she pretty much confined herself to a vibrator and the shower nozzle since your dad screwed her over. ↗

— Huntley Fitzpatrick

#dating