#humour

the city is full of three types of people, the first being soldiers, the other classes are politicians and prostitutes, both very numerous, and about equal in honesty and morality. ↗

— Mark Jones

#humour-quote #equality

When a man is happy enough to win the affections of a sweet girl, who can soothe his cares with crochet, and respond to all his most cherished ideas with beaded urn-rugs and chair-covers in German wool, he has, at least, a guarantee of domestic comfort, whatever trials may await him out of doors. What a resource it is under fatigue and irritation to have your drawing-room well supplied with small mats, which would always be ready if you ever wanted to set anything on them ! And what styptic for a bleeding heart can equal copious squares of crochet, which are useful for slipping down the moment you touch them ? How our fathers managed without crochet is the wonder; but I believe some small and feeble substitute existed in their time under the name of 'tatting'. ↗

— George Elliott

#equality

We have buried the putrid corpse of liberty ↗

— Benito Mussolini

#humour #freedom

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. ↗

— David Frost

#funny #humour #miserable #funny

the only way Bex would miss this would be if she were unconscious. And tied up. And in a concrete bunker. In Siberia. ↗

— Ally Carter

#humour #loyalty #friendship

She nibbles her pencil... She's human! ↗

— Charles M. Schulz

#human #humour #people-skills #friendship

What are we doing tonight, Spock?' Luca grinned at Jacob. 'Apparently, he's going to New Zealand,' Ellen replied with heavy sarcasm. 'New Zealand?' 'It's code for Outer Space. ↗

— Sharon Sant

#humour #friendship

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#humour #infidelity #parenthood #parenting #sexuality

Headline?" he asked. "'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said. "'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said. "'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said. ↗

— John Green

#humor #humour #internet #john-green #pedophile

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. ↗

— Dave Barry

#humour #jokes #funny