#humour

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humour #humor

I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them. ↗

— Aleister Crowley

#humour #humor

Stop smiling. Every time you smile, an angel dies. ↗

— Kristan Higgins

#humour #smiling #humor

As women glide from their twenties to thirties, Shazzer argues, the balance of power subtly shifts. Even the most outrageous minxes lose their nerve, wrestling with the first twinges of existential angst: fears of dying alone and being found three weeks later half-eaten by an Alsatian. ↗

— Helen Fielding

#humour #power #thirties #twenties #women

What the hell was she doing on the nonhostage side of a handgun? ↗

— Suzanne Brockmann

#humour #military-romance #romance #romantic-suspense #funny

But who wants to be foretold the weather? It is bad enough when it comes, without our having the misery of knowing about it beforehand. ↗

— Jerome K. Jerome

#humour #weather #humor

How do you know?” “Well, I don’t, I’m making this up, but I bet I’m right. ↗

— Robyn Carr

#cute #funny #humour #romance #romantic

Gomst's mouth framed a 'no', but every other muscle in him said 'yes'. You'd think priests would be better liars, what with their jobs and all. ↗

— Mark Lawrence

#humour #liars #lie #priests #funny

Fifteen minutes later, Justin looks at his pint of blood with pride. He doesn't want it to go to some stranger, he almost wants to bring it to the hospital himself, survey the wards and present it to someone special, for it's the first thing to come straight from his heart in a very long time. ↗

— Cecelia Ahern

#heart #humour #random #funny

You can't just call the Praetor. It's not like 1-800-WEREWOLF. ↗

— - Jordan Kyle Cassandra Clare

#humour #jordan-kyle #the-mortal-instruments #the-mortal-instruments-series #funny