#humour

It smells terrible in here.' Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere of this room rather comforting. Schiller needed the scent of apples rotting in his desk in order to write. I, too, have my needs. You may remember that Mark Twain preferred to lie supinely in bed while composing those rather dated and boring efforts which contemporary scholars try to prove meaningful. Veneration of Mark Twain is one of the roots of our current intellectual stalemate. ↗

— John Kennedy Toole

#humour #odors #smells #stink #writing

Personally, I think knees should be kept for the eighth or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise you know? 'oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought ↗

— Derek Landy

#dating

Just because your lover died doesn't mean you can't find another. Besides, if you don't start dating again your parents will intervene and I've met your parents, they scare the crap out of me." Anthony shivered at the memory of his parents' matchmaking skills. "Last time they fixed me up with a fairy." Steven snorted. "I thought you didn't like labels." "No. He was an actual fairy, you know, from Faeland." That got Steven's full attention. "What happened?" Anthony shrugged. "Let's just say it didn't work out. ↗

— Amber Kell

#dating

I was coming down off the last painkiller left in my dresser drawer after Autumn tossed my stash. In that moment I was so groggy and happy I would have accepted a date with Oscar the Grouch - and planned to do some serious feeling up on the green furry beast too. Yeah, stooping to pharmaceutical-inspired sex fantasies about garbage can Sesame Street characters - that had to be the best Just Say No drug lecture a girl in a leg cast could ever receive to make her go cold turkey off the meds. ↗

— Rachel Cohn

#cyd-charisse #drugs #gingerbread #high #humour

He took her hand in his and knelt before her. Valkyrie looked at him. He was serious. (...)'Dude, I'm sixteen.' 'I love you.' 'That doesn't make me any older. Stand up.' 'Not until you say yes.' 'You're going to shuffle around on your knees for the rest of your life? Stand up, for God's sake.' 'Be my wife.' 'Shut the hell up. ↗

— Derek Landy

#death

Neither of the two people in the room paid any attention to the way I came in, although only one of them was dead. ↗

— Raymond Chandler

#humour #death

The witch's hair was too short and too dark for blond. She wasn't sure if that relieved her or disturbed her. Riley had immediately begun his interrogation, and it had gone something like this: Riley: Where is the meeting between your kind and Aden Stone supposed to take place? Witch: Go suck yourself. Riley: Maybe later. Meeting? Witch: Enjoy death. Riley: I have once already. Now, decide to talk or lose a body part. Witch: May I recommend a finger? Riley: Sure. After I take one of your very necessary hands. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#gena-showalter #humour #mary-ann #riley #death

Have I missed a national holiday? There must be celebrations in the streets for you to be home at this hour of the day." "I'm calling it Summerset Goes Mute Day. The city's gone mad with joy. ↗

— J.D. Robb

#humour #summerset #death

Of course I want to kill you," said Skulduggery. "I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to. ↗

— Derek Landy

#death #dialogue #field #humour #nobody-to-talk-to

Can we all just stop being dicks?! ↗

— Adam Hills

#life-advice #life