#ink

The first time I saw Agatha she gave me a double wink. Most men might have interpreted it as a blink, but I saw it as a sexually developed ambidextrous double wink. Such talent! Such desire! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #wink #funny

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is. ↗

— Yogi Berra

#theory #think #humor

It's 4:58 on Friday afternoon. Do you know where your margarita is? ↗

— Amy Neftzger

#drinking #friday #humor #humorous #margarita

Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face. ↗

— Augusten Burroughs

#humor #magical-thinking #humor

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. ↗

— Drew Carey

#humor #jobs #life #humor

But all the love in the world won't save a sinking ship. You have to either bail or jump overboard. ↗

— Sarah Dessen

#life #love #sarah-dessen #sinking-ship #life

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol. ↗

— Steve Martin

#humor #writing #humor

Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy! ↗

— Warren Ellis

#drinking #humor #humor

Sometimes I think it is a great mistake to have matter that can think and feel. It complains so. By the same token, though, I suppose that boulders and mountains and moons could be accused of being a little too phlegmatic. ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#thinking #humor

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#humor #humor