#random

Somebody left a pair of baby shoes on a bench. I would have taken them home, if only they weren’t too big for my feet.
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— Jarod Kintz

#baby-shoes #bench #bizarre #feet #funny

Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks to sell you.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I have a friend who got into a car accident and now has a prosthetic metal leg, metal pins in his hips, and a metal plate in his head. One time I told him that he was like a human Swiss Army knife, to which he replied, “I’m Belgian. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#car-accident #funny #humor #random #swiss

Hand me my pants, ↗

— Michael Grant

#random #humor

I wasn't exactly sure what "nothing good" meant, but I could imagine in this world of humans, "nothing good" could mean a lot of bad things. ↗

— Tamra Torero

#funny

As it happens, I’m a terrible dancer. Bears are simply not made for dancing. We’re much better at sitting and sleeping and singing. But there are humans who catch bears and force us to dance. It’s agony. And there are other humans who pay to watch us.’ Hannah sighed. ‘I suppose you’re right to distrust humans.’ ‘And that is why I must eat you,’ said the bear forlornly. ‘For the benefit of the entire bear population of the world. I’m awfully sorry about this.’ ‘That’s all right.’ Hannah shrugged her shoulders. ‘Is there any point in my trying to run away?’ ‘None. We bears may not be able to dance but we are experts when it comes to chasing things.’ ‘What if I climb a tree?’ ‘I’ll climb up after you, or push the tree over. It all depends on what sort of tree you choose to climb. Either way, you’ll end up eaten.’ ‘So be it,’ said Hannah. ‘How should I prepare myself?’ ‘I beg your pardon?’ ‘Will you eat me with my clothes on?’ ‘Of course. Otherwise it would be bad manners. ↗

— Doug MacLeod

#inspirational #random #funny

O! many a shaft, at random sent, Finds mark the archer little meant! And many a word, at random spoken, May soothe or wound a heart that's broken! ↗

— Walter Scott

#broken #finds #heart #little #many

For now. But if I ever decide you're useless, you are a dead man." To be killed by you is to be desired more than a life excluded from your service." Bravo." Her Imperial Viciousness laughed with genuine feeling. "Bra-vo! ↗

— Frank Beddor

#dead #glass #imperial #looking #man

The concept of randomness and coincidence will be obsolete when people can finally define a formulation of patterned interaction between all things within the universe. ↗

— Toba Beta

#define #formulation #interaction #life #mystery

My mom gave me life, so I gave her batteries. AA batteries. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#mom #random #life