Erma Bombeck

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#bathroom #call #child #dog #doing

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#carpeting #children #courage #housekeeping #parenthood

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#dreamers #lonely #only #owner #time

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#anatomy #designers #figure #flunked #human

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#because #bed #blanket #children #crooked

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#cleanliness #housekeeping #experience

When humor goes, there goes civilization. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#civilization #goes

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#ball games #dead #declared #football #football games

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#funny #humor #funny

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#coincidence #consumed #dinners #eighteen #hours