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Tim Vine

Read through the most famous quotes from Tim Vine




Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.


— Tim Vine


#humor #humor

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.


— Tim Vine


#down #glue #history #i #put

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.


— Tim Vine


#been #holiday #i #just #never

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'


— Tim Vine


#gym #how #i #instructor #make

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.


— Tim Vine


#day #floated #i #loads #meat

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.


— Tim Vine


#contain #doing #hardly #i #i can

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.


— Tim Vine


#cabinet #chairs #dentist #down #filing

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.


— Tim Vine


#candles #couple #know #now #out

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'


— Tim Vine


#home #i #phone #picked #please

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'


— Tim Vine


#calling #depends #i #local #rang






About Tim Vine

Tim Vine Quotes




Did you know about Tim Vine?

Again Vine came second beaten by Stewart Francis in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2012 with the joke "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. He held the record until May 2005 when Australian comedian Anthony "Lehmo" Lehmann told 549 jokes. " He was beaten by Nick Helm (returning to the Fringe for only the second time).

In 2010 Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and was awarded second in 2011 and 2012. Timothy Mark Vine (born 4 March 1967) is an English writer actor comedian and presenter known for his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He was a finalist in the 2013 series of Let's Dance for Comic Relief.

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