#absurd

I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#age #bizarre #clones #funny #humor

Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #age

I rode my horse to the saloon, but it was out of business. The cowboy I spoke with said the bartender served the saloon’s last drink on March 5th, 1882. Guess I shouldn’t have taken so long to shower and get ready. Ah, but that’s life, no?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bartender #cowboy #life #saloon #shower

I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bathtub #choir #kinky #music #musical

Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday ↗

— Woody Allen

#dating

Death is life's way of telling you, you've been recalled ↗

— Josh Stern

#death #life #recalled #telling #death

Things stayed peaceful in there, even as the crashing vehicles and the cries of the injured and dying reached a crescendo outside. "I fry mine in butter!" indeed. ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#death #humor #life-and-death #vonnegut #death

A gas station pump/jukebox. Look, my car runs on 80s music! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dream #fragment #surreal #dreams

I had a quicksand box as a kid. I was an only child... eventually. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #humor

It is a Bush administration official on the moment when torture breaks a victim: The job of the interrogator is to safely help the terrorist do his duty to Allah, so he then feels liberated to speak freely. From Neil Gaiman's account of a torturer in hell: We will hurt you. And we are not sorry. But we do not do it to punish you. We do it to redeem you. Because afterward, you'll be a better person ... and because we love you. One day you'll thank us for it. War is peace. Torture is freedom. In the end, you love Big Brother. ↗

— Andrew Sullivan

#life #freedom