#absurd

A tickle, an itch, and a scratch walk into a bar while I was in the corner drinking a thermos full of epidermis, and I thought, this must be what love feels like. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bar #itch #scratch #tickle #love

I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks to melt so I could drink it and leave, but it was like my ex wife’s heart—it was just too frigid to melt. So I called up a midget, buckled myself in on his back, and had him give me a ride home. Ah, but that’s life, no?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bar #drink #ex-wife #flamingoes #frigid

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio. ↗

— Woody Allen

#men

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that. ↗

— Groucho Marx

#gibe #insult #respect

If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for others that makes me believe I’d be a good politician. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#awareness #bad #fight #good #oppression

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know. ↗

— Woody Allen

#sports

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba. ↗

— Woody Allen

#spirit

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. ↗

— Steven Wright

#culture

What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?! ↗

— Eddie Izzard

#gospel

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier. ↗

— Woody Allen

#paris