#absurd

We all live inside the terrible engine of authority, and it grinds and shrieks and burns so that no one will say: lines on maps are silly. ↗

— Catherynne M. Valente

#authority #life #rules #society #life

I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dating #funny #humor #one-liner #ridiculous

Le suicide est une solution à l'absurde. ↗

— Albert Camus

#death #suicide #death

My love is pizza shaped. Won’t you have a slice? It’s circular, so there’s enough to go around.
 ↗

— Dora J. Arod

#food #life #love #love-quote #pizza

Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #surreal #age

I am a love factory. I make love out of high quality plastics at an affordable price. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #age

Dear Edmond, While you were sleeping this afternoon, I was busy hustling around town. You see, when I woke up early this morning to clean the apartment for the party tonight, I noticed that all your furniture was missing. And by all, I do mean everything. So I raced around town trying to replace all your pieces. Fortunately, I did manage to pick up some new furniture. It looks exactly like your old furniture, only you're still missing the armoire that your grandmother left you in her will. But the great thing is they have one that looks exactly like your grandmother's armoire at the pawn shop just up the road. But there was some random good news today. In the cushions of the new sofa, the one that looks exactly like your old sofa, I found about $500 dollars. So I took the liberty of loading up the liquor cabinet and buying a keg. But I don't want you to be depressed about your armoire, or worry about paying me back for buying you all new furniture. Just promise me you'll have a good time at the party. And since I know that you are disappointed about having to pick up another armoire at the pawn shop, I won't even make you go half with me on the booze. I wouldn't dream of it. Friends help friends out when they are in need, right? I couldn't possibly accept $250 dollars from you. But I know how you are. You won't accept any gifts, right? You're so freaking stubborn. Well, if you really want to pay me back, you can slip the money in an envelope under my door after the party tonight. We're going to have a crazy night tonight! So cheer up, buddy. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#comical #funny #humor #party #ridiculous

I’ll be waiting in my trunk, with the engine of your car. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#car #waiting #life

Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with a fork. I’m as efficient as the government.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#beuracracy #eat #efficiency #efficient #food

I told her that my happy yellow teapot has a kinky backstory involving a nineteenth-century vegetarian sex cult in upstate New York whose members lived for three decades as self-proclaimed "Bible communists" before incorporating into the biggest supplier of dinnerware to the American food-service industry, not to mention harboring their most infamous resident, an irritating young maniac who, years after he moved away, was hanged for assassinating President Garfield. ↗

— Sarah Vowell

#yay-history #food