#absurd

Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#aquatic #bizarre #creatures #fins #fish

I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dead #fish #funny #humor #prostitutes

I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free ↗

— Josh Stern

#free #humor #kids #shark-week #swim

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio. ↗

— Woody Allen

#men

I can bench press steam, but not fog. I just have to wait until the fog lifts itself.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bench-press #fog #natural #nature #passion

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. ↗

— Woody Allen

#path

The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack. ↗

— John Cleese

#christmas

What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?! ↗

— Eddie Izzard

#gospel

I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #cherry #knot #nonsense #ridiculous

When I meet a European, the first thing I say is, “I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing them, and they know I’d really rather watch football than football. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#europe #european #football #soccer #absurd