#absurd

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#beards #children #dada #funny #funny-quotes

I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #insensitive #love #age

I make love like I make lasagna: with extra meat. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #lasagna #love #age

Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#feeling #funny #humor #love #age

33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#age #birth #bizarre #child #children

If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #age

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #ridiculous #wife

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #lovers #age

At the age of four, I wanted to be eight. At the age of eight, I wanted to be 16. At the age of 16, when I started driving, I wanted to be a Ferrari. And now, at the age of middle, I want to be Stalin’s mustache and matching armpit hair. But only for personal reasons, not political. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #political #stalin #age

I love like an albino. But I don’t want to get sunburned, so would you please pass the ketchup? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#albino #funny #humor #love #surrealism