#comedy

Rivera rubbed his temples. "Satan told you to do it?" he said wearily. "No." "Elvis?" "I told you, it's supernatural. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#elvis #supernatural #love

In Chestnut Hill money didn't talk, but it drank, and played a lot of golf. ↗

— Alistair McHarg

#dark-comedy #great-dialogue #humor #quirky-characters #social-satire

When people get into their 30s plus "boyfriend" sounds weird...if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term "manfriend" or "snookie bookie cuddles pie". ↗

— Michelle M. Pillow

#comedy #comedy-humor #humor #manfriend #nonsense

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex. ↗

— Craig Ferguson

#comedy #religion #sex #tv #religion

Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ↗

— Edgar Allan Poe

#horror #nothing

A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole. ↗

— Frank Zappa

#drugs #problems

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it. ↗

— Bill Hicks

#stand-up #military

Oof!" Adam caught me all right, with the side of his head. I could tell by the feel of his skull on my foot as I kicked him. He grabbed me the best he could anyway, and we half landed, half fell in the pine needles. He lay facedown on the ground. I flopped him over on his back to make sure he was alive. If he had a concussion, we'd have to call the ambulance, which meant we'd get caught and he'd get sent to military school. On the bright side, maybe the military school would not take him if he had brain damage. "I'm so sorry." "Worth it," he grunted. He rolled onto his feet like a ninja and grabbed my hand. "Hurry, before they release the hounds. ↗

— Jennifer Echols

#adam-vader #boys-next-door #comedy #echols #endless-summer

How do you know when you're God?" "When I pray to him I find I am talking to myself. ↗

— Peter Barnes

#atheist #god #noremorse #comedy

They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down. ↗

— Lewis Black

#budget #comedy #economy #fire #police