#funny

The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies. ↗

— Criss Jami

#cookie #cute #faithfulness #funny #god

The secret is,” I say, whispering right into his ear, “that yours was the best kiss I’ve ever had in my life.” “But I’ve never kissed you,” he whispers back. Around us the rain sounds like falling glass. “Not since third grade, anyway.” I smile, but I’m not sure if he can see it. “Better get started, then,” I say, “because I don’t have much time. ↗

— Lauren Oliver

#funny-but-sad #life #time #funny

You gonna put on your big-girl panties and fight with the boys, now?” He looked over his shoulder as if he expected me to blush or something. “Who says I wear panties?” I was certain that he flushed red this time. Laughing, I left him shaking his head and went on inside to find the Kid. We had work to do. ↗

— Faith Hunter

#faith-hunter #funny #jane-yellowrock #smartass #faith

If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#death #flowers #funny #grave #death

Maybe a friend is someone who wants your updates. Even if they're boring. Or sad. Or annoyingly cutesy. A friend says "Sign me up for your boring crap, yes indeed"--because he likes you anyways. He'll tolerate your junk ↗

— E. Lockhart

#funny #sweet #true #friendship

I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#clean #cleaning #funny #humor #kitchen

I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#family #funny #humor #relationships #family

Too bad. Family members hit you by accident. Psychopathic whores tend to come back for more. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#funny #richelle-mead #rose #family

What’s the best part of being in Hermes cabin? Connor: You are never lonely. I mean seriously, new kids are always coming in. So you always have someone to talk to. Travis: Or prank. Connor: Or pickpocket. One big happy family. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#funny #hermes-cabin #family

They say the path of true love never runs smooth. Well, Luke and my true love's path didn't run at all, it limped along in new boots that were chafing its heels. Blistered and cut, red and raw, every hopping, lopsided step, a little slice of agony. ↗

— Marian Keyes

#family