#funny

Lovers are like lawyers: each manipulates the evidence as much as possible to outwit their opponent in the eyes of all. When the woman or defense attorney gets the upper hand, the result is dismissal. ↗

— Bauvard

#lawyers #love #funny

Realizing that love is a fundamental principle of life doesn’t guarantee a happy relationship, but at least you can make captain of the debate team. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #love #funny

My uncle was always trying to staple rodents and small mammals to my torso when I was growing up. He’d always say, “Come on, this will put hair on your chest.” No, thanks, I’d say. I’ll stick to super-gluing wigs across my pecks. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #growing-up #odd #strange #surreal

He was becoming aware that there was no such thing as over-the-top with Lawrence Davenport, as long as you were talking to Lawrence Davenport about Lawrence Davenport. ↗

— Jeffrey Archer

#funny #funny

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A blanket could be used to trick a bull into charging at you. After you trick the bull, trick a bear next, and then by that time all the investors will be playing your game, not even knowing that you are the Blanket Master that controls the world.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #naughty #pants #safe #safety

Simon didn’t think Meg really wanted to know how to eviscerate a rabbit. He could be wrong about that, but he just couldn’t picture Meg pouncing on a bunny and ripping it open with her teeth. Maybe if he tried harder to picture it? ↗

— Anne Bishop

#funny

A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being cold, don’t worry—I’ll cover you with my naked body.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But what if that bleeding is figurative? In that case, I’d recommend a virtual Band-Aid.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny