#hilarious

Comedy ages quicker than tragedy, to the extent that we can't know if the 10 commandments may originally have been 10 hilarious one-liners. ↗

— Arthur Smith

#been #comedy #commandments #extent #hilarious

I find it hilarious that there are academics who try to analyse chemical changes in the brains of students while exposing them to gags. ↗

— Arthur Smith

#analyse #brains #changes #chemical #exposing

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson. ↗

— John Oliver

#hilarious #baseball

Lying is a full time occupation, even if you tell just one, because once you tell it, you're stuck with it. If you want to do it right, you have to visualize it, conjure the graphics, tone, and sequence of action, then relate it purposefully in the midst of seemingly spontaneous dialogue. The more actual the lie becomes to the listener, the more actual it becomes to the teller, which is scariest of all. Some people really get to believing their own lies. ↗

— Hilary Thayer Hamann

#lies #hilarious

You will be interested to hear, Hilary, that it [the drug] had a most remarkable effect — even on Selena after a very modest quantity. She cast off all conventional restraints and devoted herself without shame to the pleasure of the moment." I asked for particulars of this uncharacteristic conduct. "She took from her handbag a paperback edition of Pride and Prejudice and sat on the sofa reading it, declining all offers of conversation. ↗

— Sarah Caudwell

#humour #jane-austen #hilarious

(…) Trying to think of how to take the least crowded ways to class, so the least amount of people will stare at the hole in my neck. Sometimes it feels like it has a beacon in it, flashing for the entire world to see, except it's not cool like the Bat signal. ↗

— Keary Taylor

#funny #hilarious #witty #funny

so, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!! ↗

— Brian Regan

#humor #man #manslaughter #pig #business

Hadn’t retired reporter Stan warned him of how protective Cosimo was of his granddaughters? What if the Carusos had discovered his identity and wanted to rub him out as they’d rubbed out his father? Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. ↗

— Christie Ridgway

#hilarious #prayer #death

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. ↗

— Daniel Tosh

#daniel-tosh #funny #hilarious #change

I find the female tragedy of insecurity to be hilarious. We get obsessed over issues like the tiny skin tags on our backs or that we're fat. You read one line in a magazine and it sends you into a tailspin. ↗

— Lake Bell

#fat #female #find #get #hilarious