#humor

she never even wore stockings; just those bullet proof tights that you see on old maids. ↗

— Poppet

#paranormal-urban-fantasy-romance #urban-fantasy

The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head. ↗

— David Sedaris

#hotels #humor #death

Kissing him last night at the pep rally had been like kissing an underpass. ↗

— George Saunders

#humor #similes #simile

I was having the surreal experience of having myself show myself around my office and bullpen.” “Oh! My desk. I could’ve sat at my desk. I could’ve sat at your desk.” “No.” “It’s a vid set.” “Even then, no. ↗

— J.D. Robb

#death

The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cannibalism #death #food #funeral #humor

You're probably wondering what's going to happen to you. That's easy. The same thing is going to happen to you that has happened to every other human being who has ever lived. You're going to die. We all die. That's just how it is. ↗

— Ernest Cline

#humor #death

We did it, we bashed them, wee Potter’s the one, And Voldy’s gone moldy, so now let’s have fun! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#peeves #death

‘And Death spoke to them —’” “Sorry,” interjected Harry, “but Death spoke to them?” “It’s a fairy tale, Harry!” “Right, sorry. Go on. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#hermoine-granger #humor #death

You need a place just a click over middle range. Don’t want to go all-out first time, but you don’t want to run on the cheap either. You want atmosphere, but not stuffy. A nice established place.” “Bob, you’re going to give me an ulcer.” “This is all ammunition, Cart. All ammo. You want to be able to order a nice bottle of wine. Oh, and after dinner, if she says how she doesn’t want dessert, you suggest she pick one and you’ll split it. Women love that. Sharing dessert’s sexy. Do not go on and on about your job over dinner. Certain death. Get her to talk about hers, and what she likes to do. Then—” “Should I be writing this down? ↗

— Nora Roberts

#friends #friendships #humor #love #dating

Injun Joe studied the body for a moment, his eyes sad. Then he said, "I'd rather go in my sleep, I think." He glanced back at me. "What about you?" "I want to be stepped on by an elephant while having sex with identical triplet cheerleaders," I said. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#dresden-files #harry-dresden #death