#random

Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking? ↗

— Regina Griffin

#funny-but-true #funny-quotes #humor #humorous #diet

After a long moment I closed the freezer door. I wanted to lie down and press my cheek against the cool linoleum. Instead I reached out with my little finger and flipped the Barbie's head. It went thack thack against the door. I flipped it again. Thack thack. Whee. I had a new hobby. ↗

— Jeff Lindsay

#random #dreams

I've purged myself of worldly goods; half my stuff is either being sold or going to charity. I need to go shopping. ↗

— Christy Leigh Stewart

#funny-and-random #shop #shopaholic #shopping #funny

The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.
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— Jarod Kintz

#dad #family #funny #humor #life

When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.”
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #hospitality #humor #random #random-thought

When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #politicians #politics #random

Sleep with family is a napkin (nap plus kin), and I used a napkin as a blanket.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I pee whilst seated. But it’s hard to focus with people honking at me.
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #random #random-thought #silly

I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

A blanket could be made of tuna fish skin, which would go well with my cottage cheese thighs.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny