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i cut off a person because they didn’t make me happy. i don’t know if it was the right thing, i have a hard time putting myself first. i feel sorry for being so harsh.
Be careful what Church you choose & especially the preacher. Many people view Church as a club where they gossip about others. Then exclude others. Theres nothing wrong with going to Church. Just realize everyone else around you is very flawed too. Don’t let them judge you, or make you feel bad. They push gay children into suicide. Yet they will overeat, & many other things. I am very flawed. Everyone is. Love yourself as you are. Do not let any fucker make you hate yourself. We all sin. Especially me. Sometimes people like me. Then they meet me. I am more flawed than nearly any person you could meet. Very flawed. Don’t let me judge you. Don’t let anyone judge you. Don’t let your past destroy you. Don’t let what other people did to you destroy you. Fuck them. Love yourself. Never harm yourself. I love you. Forgive yourself. You sinned. We all do. It’s not worth dying over. Yes theres a Heaven. It can wait on you. Hold on everyday. Don’t let this world break you. But don’t look to me for guidance. I’m a total mess. We are all struggling to live in this world & survive. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. But never think you’d want to meet me. You would be extremely disappointed. I am sorry that I failed others. 😇
I see no way back. I have never fully recovered from nearly dying. Or did Covid do this. I just can’t focus enough to function.
I tried to change. To fix what was broken. I just can’t.
I try to interact with the world and people. I just can’t.
The stress is too much.
How do you get better when your body won’t let you?
I tried to talk to someone. It was useless. I made them mad without meaning too.
I told a sweet person she needed to exercise & lose weight. Then I told her to find someone else. Why? She claimed to be someone from my past. She didn’t realize I had known the person she was pretending to be. The person from my past was very kind & had been hurt. I thought a lot of her & didn’t like someone posing as her. However; this person i couldn’t see in the chatroom was a very sweet person too, & also hurting. I tried to set aside my pain from my own broken heart, to help her. But then her friends didn’t like my advice & put me out of the room. I wish I could undo the mean things I said. I did not care about her weight. I just didn’t like her pretending to be someone I knew. Does that make sense? This person from my past was a very good person. I tried to help her before my life nearly ended. So it was odd to have someone posing as her. Plus she caught me at my worst, & then I experienced a health scare. But I feel so bad.
I’m also heart broken because I had a wonderful woman, but I hurt her. God gave me a wonderful person, & I broke her heart. Then I turned around & hurt someone else who was nothing but kind to me. I seem to keep hurting people. But I don’t mean too. I’m just overwhelmed. My heart is broke. Im lost. Now a big moment is coming in my life. So I’m trying to make my peace just in case. Hopefully I come out the other side. But if I don’t I at least tried to make things right. If your a person who thinks your overweight or not beautiful. Quit thinking that way. These are labels society put on us. People used to tell me they wished they looked like me. Well I paid a heavy price to look like this. So no ones appearance is perfect. That lady I met about 11 years ago was beautiful. She just couldn’t see herself the way I did. My ex was the same way. She also couldn’t see herself the way I did. Sadly. I couldn’t be the man she deserved. I let everyone who cares about me down. I am sorry for all the pain I caused others. A lady tried to flirt with me the other day. No way. I’ve already left a trail of broken hearts. I wish I could set those right. But I’m not going to hurt someone else. I’ve did enough harm. I don’t want to hurt sweet people I care about.
I’m fixing to face a giant moment. I tried to undo the pain I caused those I loved the most. I don’t know how to try to undo someone else I hurt, because she posed as someone I used to know. I realize now she just loved that person the same way I did.
But I wasn’t all bad in my life. I did a lot of good in this world. There are people alive because of me. Sadly I also hurt people.
I’m not giving up. I’m just accepting my situation. I intend to come out the other side. But I’m wise enough to know that may not be possible. Especially during this pandemic.
I truly wish I had not hurt those who loved me the most.
I’m very sick. I would never tell anyone just how sick I really am. I’d hide it so they wouldn’t worry. I gave up on docs. I tried what they said. They cant fix it. So I just endure. I try to always smile & pretend to be better. I even try to help society however I can. But I’m really useless now. Even so, I hang on. I am sorry for failing those I love.
I failed everyone I love so badly. I destroyed them. I didn’t mean too.
I’ve been hanging on for so long for the few moments they need me. But my disease is so hard. It’s why I failed them. It’s so hard to fight to live every day. I wish God had given me a fair chance in life.
I was once mean to a disabled person. He was a man. I didn’t realize he was disabled. His voice was deep. He was rude and assertive. I was young. Lived in a very violent area. Had to deal with gangs. I got mad and started off at him because I thought he was starting shit. I did not harm or threaten him. But I was mean. I didn’t realize he was disabled till I got older. I hate that I acted that way. I’ve tried to protect others my entire life. It never occurred to me that some of those I need to protect are grown men. God please help me be a better person.
I was listening to a woman on the radio sing about how I broke her heart. While thinking about how I broke another woman’s heart. All the pain I caused others. I’m sorry. Why do good people love me? I’m not worth it.
Breaking the hearts of others. I’ve broken a lot of hearts. It’s nothing I’m proud of. As a dude I’m not supposed to care, but I do. Whether a person is poor; rich; famous; or just a kind person, they all deserve to be treated kindly. When you look back at the pain you caused, it makes you cry. Wish I could undo it. I thought being rude gave them the best out. Make them hate me. Blame me. But I now realize there are people who never got over me. That hurts me to realize. I’m sorry. I didn’t set out to do that.
I go days without saying a word. Weeks. Sometimes months. I used to go see my children when I could. But now I have no car.
If I can find a ride I goto my doc every 3-4 months. They get onto me. Tell me I’m doing bad. Accuse me of eating too many of the wrong foods. What?
I have no money for those foods. I eat cheap stale bread or crackers. Each day I eat one tiny meal. I set in a dark room all alone. I drink water. It beats sleeping in the woods, which I’ve done.
I have this phone. Someone gives it to me so they can check on me.
The last time I went to my hospital a lady got onto me. I was trying to ask for financial aid so I could keep getting my prescriptions written. She angrily yelled at me about how I should be able to afford more. Told me she has to pay co pays.
People treat me like I wanted this. I worked hard. I worked 2 jobs. I just got sick. I didn’t want this. Who would want to be too sick to do much? To set in a tiny room all alone with no one to talk to? I can’t even walk long enough to walk to a store to get food.
I don’t want to set in the floor eating bread.
I just tried to explain to the lady that it’s hard for me to get a ride to their hospital. Now they want me to pay more. I don’t have more. I’m looking at everything I own in the world. I few old clothes. A pair of old shoes that have holes in them.
My parents hated me. Blamed me for ruining their lives. Well they created me. I didn’t ask to be here.
I didn’t want to make the lady mad. I was just trying to find a way to stay alive. Not for me. For my children. Sometimes they need to hear my voice.
Apparently God hates me too.
You may wonder why someone like me keeps going. Love. I hurt the people I love. Not on purpose. I just got so sick. I used to be a great provider. A kind husband and father. A good citizen. I used to help strangers. Do good deeds. I’ve saved lives. I didn’t choose this. God did. He chose to do this to me. I don’t know why He doesn’t love me. I guess I’m just not worth loving.
Confessions by confessionstories.org
