Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #death

If God dropped acid, would he see people? ↗

— Steven Wright

#dropped #god #people #see #would

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. ↗

— Steven Wright

#paint #world #humor

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #humor

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year. ↗

— Steven Wright

#tourist #humor

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor