#funny

Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher. ↗

— Brett Tate

#funny #humor #humour #memoir #sex

A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? ↗

— George Carlin

#funny-but-true #humor #death

Love is part of survival. It’s funny how similar the survival instinct is to the death instinct when her dad comes home and the window is the only way out. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#love #survival #death

What do you take me for? That fool Socrates, who upheld the law at the cost of his own death – just to be ironic? I suspect that act was actually the result of his secret embarrassment of his hideous nose. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#irony #law #noses #socrates #death

Look into your heart and ask yourself, what would you die for?" "I don't know. There’s really no reason for it, with modern science as advanced as it is. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #science #death

Glaring at the Gasman, ter Borcht said, “Your time is coming to an end, you pathetic failure of an experiment. Vhat you say now is how you vill be remembered.” Gazzy’s blue eyes flashed. “Then you can remember me telling you to kiss my-” “Enough!” ter Borcht said. ↗

— James Patterson

#badass #cool-response #death #end #funny

We losers don't fear death. For us it's the end of a lifelong losing spell. ↗

— Dakota Dawn

#life #truth #wisdom #death

In America, you pay your insurance, or you die. Assessment of risk is lifeblood. But here, I can’t tell. People may be insured, or they may not. Poverty and death are constantly looming, but the populace is never engulfed, nor have I been set at ease with the bright smiles which imply a comprehensive dental plan. At most, I fear that only a crude scraping is covered, and that fluoride treatment is being neglected entirely. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #insurance #death

I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22
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— Jarod Kintz

#cops #funny #humor #mustache #police