#funny

If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know. " Simon never had much patience with Jace. "Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo. " "And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand, " said Jace sarcastically. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#funny

I want to be a man of mountaintops: to scale the heights, achieve a sublime transcendence, and breathe in the thin air. Transcendence requires suffocation. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#suffocation #transcendence #funny

Aside from murder alibis and kinky sex, what good are clones? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #kinky-sex #murder #funny

...avoid – like the measles – phony laughter. No, really. If you don’t find it to be funny, don't laugh. More evil and injustice has gotten a foothold in this world because of polite, counterfeit laughter – a desire to not “offend”, or to not be “peculiar” - than anything else. But when you do laugh, let your belly shimmy. ↗

— Jenna Brooks

#life-coaching #self-help #funny

Does it bother you when you see Daddy kissing Josh?” he asked. Ty shook his head and made a funny face. “No, not really. I guess you really like him a lot.” “I do,” Rex agreed. “I love Josh.” “I love Josh too, and so I don’t care if you kiss him. But I thought boys only kissed girls.” Rex nodded. “Yeah, well, that’s how it is most of the time, but you know some boys kiss other boys and some girls kiss other girls.” “Well, I don’t wanna kiss no girls!” Ty said emphatically. Rex and Josh both laughed. “Maybe someday you will, though. If you do, that’s fine, and if you don’t, that’s fine too. For right now, you can just kiss Daddy.” He leaned in and kissed Ty on the forehead. ↗

— Jeff Erno

#funny

Are you two you know?" Jacob pointed at us. " Together? Together? " I didn't get a chance to answer. Cam spun me around and kissed me, right there between the two buildings. It was no friendly peck on the lips. When our tongues touched, my bag slipped off my arm and hit the frosted ground. "Holy crap," Jacob muttered. "I think they're going to make babies. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#cam #funny #j-lynn #jacob #jacob-massen

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny #reaper-man #unseen-university #vetinari #funny

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity – another man’s, I mean. ↗

— Mark Twain

#funny

Sympathy is why when a man is getting mugged, you let him keep his shirt after you take his life. Funerals are respectable affairs, after all. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #robbery #sympathy #funny

And I'm sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were either a drug dealer or from New Jersey. ↗

— Meg Cabot

#humor #new-jersey #funny