#humor

There is no time to waste in life and there is no cut and paste as well, only copy and paste – you can only emulate others ↗

— Bernard Kelvin Clive

#life #motivational-humorous #dreams

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage. ↗

— Chris Rock

#great #humor #long #long way #marriage

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you. ↗

— Will Rogers

#easy #got #government #humorist #whole

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. ↗

— Will Rogers

#government #humorist #trick #whole #working

THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL 1. We are here to help you. 2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings. 3. The dress code will be enforced. 4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds. 5. Our football team will win the championship this year. 6. We expect more of you here. 7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen. 8. Your schedule was created with you in mind. 9. Your locker combination is private. 10. These will be the years you look back on fondly. TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL 1. You will use algebra in your adult lives. 2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away. 3. Students must stay on campus during lunch. 4. The new text books will arrive any day now. 5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores. 6. We are enforcing the dress code. 7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon. 8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals. 9. There is nothing wrong with summer school. 10. We want to hear what you have to say. ↗

— Laurie Halse Anderson

#school #humor

Why are we bringing him along, again?" Will inquired, of the world in general as well as his sister. Cecily put her hands on her hips. "Why are you bringing Tessa?" "Because Tessa and I are going to be married," Will said, and Tessa smiled; the way that Will's little sister could ruffle his feathers like no one else was still amusing to her. "Well, Gabriel and I might well be married," Cecily said. "Someday." Gabriel made a choking noise, and turned an alarming shade of purple. Will threw up his hands. "You can't be married Cecily! You're only fifteen! When I get married, I'll be eighteen! An adult!" Cecily did not look impressed. "We may have a long engagement," she said. "But I cannot see why you are counseling me to marry a man my parents have never met." Will sputtered. "I am not counseling you to marry a man your parents have never met!" "Then we are in agreement. Gabriel must meet Mam and Dad. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#gabriel-lightwood #humor #marriage #p- #humor

As an animal lover, I don’t like zoos. I feel the only creatures that should be caged behind bars are politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And rapists, but I’ve already listed that three times. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #lawyers #politicians #politics

I wanted a divorce, so I bought myself a house, to give me the incentive to stay married. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #marriage #funny

Democratic politicians have disliked things I've written, Republican politicians... if they all love you, you might as well be driving a Good Humor truck. ↗

— Adam Clymer

#disliked #driving #good #humor #i

I want to be taken seriously as the type of musician that plays stuff like an electric rake. I mean, how seriously do you take someone like Spike Jones? They take him pretty seriously - a really good musician who made a great contribution in terms of humor, which is part of what I try to do too. ↗

— Eugene Chadbourne

#electric #good #great #him #how