#humor

Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#alone #bizarre #funny #hog #humor

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. ↗

— Will Rogers

#humor #mean #funny

If you can't make ends meet, meet them in the middle instead ↗

— Benny Bellamacina

#humor #life #quotations #quotes #humor

I want to merge a Phoenix with a Camel to create the world's first everlasting cigarette. It'll be a cigarette that rises from its own ashes, so you can keep smoking it indefinitely. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cigarette #everlasting #funny #humor #immortality

One man's fish is another man's poisson. ↗

— Mark Gatiss

#humor

Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#funny #hilarious #humor #laugh-out-loud #name-badge

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat. ↗

— Stephen Wright

#humor #funny

A mechanical toothbrush is the greatest oral device in the history of the sex toy industry. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #sex-toy #funny

Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it! ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#humor #kate #funny

Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war." "The plant war," Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles? ↗

— Rick Riordan

#grapes #humor #riffles #war #funny