#humor

[My mom's] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it's her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#food

It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #men #sex #women

Why it's simply impassible! Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible! ↗

— Lewis Carroll

#alice-in-wonderland #door #funny #humor #wordplay

Inconceivable!" "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. ↗

— William Goldman

#funny #humor #movie #princess #funny

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got? ↗

— Bill Maher

#exes #facebook #funny #humor #internet

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #job #manager #sick

I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, "I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon." Hopefully, with a little lunar luck, my track will also feature Corey Hart. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#corey-hart #funny #humor #luck #lunar

My great-great grandfather and I were best of friends, although we never met. Fire and shipwreck orphan us – 140 years apart. We escape to imagination to survive our fate. There, midst flights of whimsy we find one another. Companionship quells our loneliness. We create fables and tales, shields against a harsh existence. We must battle animals and humans of prey. Together, he, the future abolitionist-publisher James Thaddeus ‘Blackjack’ Fiction, and I vault from glory-laden adventures to tragedy and then to triumph. I am Raji Singh and this is my story. ↗

— Raji Singh

#fiction #humor #satire #short-story #whimsey

Chapter Twenty-Nine: “Well, a lot’s happened since I last showered. ↗

— Nicki Elson

#hygiene #humor

One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to die alone in my home, and my cats will eat me because I am too dead to open their food cans. ↗

— Kelli Jae Baeli

#death #die #fear #food #humor