#humor

If I had eyebrows like two rainbows, I’d probably make love like a leprechaun. But it’s cool, because with that pot of gold, I’d have plenty of money to pay the prostitute.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #eyebrows #funny #gold #humor

If I were a taxi cab driver, as lots of writers supposedly are, and my boss were to tell me that I couldn’t read on the job, I’d obediently go around running every STOP sign. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #job #logic #obediently

-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny-and-random #humor #humorous #satire #wit

Henry Kissinger How I'm missing yer You're the Doctor of my dreams With your crinkly hair and your glassy stare And your Machiavellian schemes I know they say that you are very vain And short and fat and pushy But at least you're not insane Henry Kissinger How I'm missing yer And wishing you were here Henry Kissinger How I'm missing yer You're so chubby and so neat With your funny clothes and your squishy nose You're like a German parakeet All right so people say that you don't care But you've got nicer legs than Hitler And bigger tits than Cher Henry Kissinger How I'm missing yer And wishing you were here ↗

— Graham Chapman

#politics #dreams

As we were walking home the other night, Orafoura turned to me and said, “Were you aware that there are places in the universe where time doesn’t exist?” “I know,” I replied. “That’s where I went to buy my last watch. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #orafoura #philosophical #ridiculous

I really hate sitcoms on television with canned laughter and stuff. What really makes me laugh is the real-life stuff. I've got a dry sense of humor. ↗

— Katie Price

#dry #got #hate #humor #i

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blame ↗

— Josh Stern

#amazing #blame #humor #humor

I wish I could be as thin as Jessica Simpson. I think she looks gorgeous! I have had Jessica on my show several times, and I can tell you that girl is genuine and funny with a great self-deprecating sense of humor. ↗

— Rachael Ray

#funny #genuine #girl #gorgeous #great

In the 'Hurt Locker' there's a lot of me in there, a sense of humor, a man of few words and a lot of action. ↗

— Jeremy Renner

#few #humor #hurt #locker #lot

When trees are blocking your horizon, build a balcony. The sunset will be breathtaking, but not as literally as the stumps. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #trees #funny