#humor

Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, "You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood. ↗

— Shelly Laurenston

#humor #humour #funny

Yes," he said. "I am sure. I double-checked everything after you went home yesterday. I even made a few improvements, just in case." The first part of that reassured her. The second part... not so much. "What kind of improvements?" "Oh, nothing, really. Mostly just streamlining. You really did very well; I certainly don't want you to think that I am one of those people who has to be in control all the- Oh, well, I suppose that's actually true- I do have to be in control all the time. But only because I am in charge, of course. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #ghost-town #humor #morganville-vampires #myrnin

I want to write a book called, "Bonfires and Bras," which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bras #feminism #feminist #funny #humor

Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#future #humor #life #living #market

I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#doors #efficiency #efficient #efficiently #fondle

June cackled with delight, muttering, "Whoops!" as a car almost killed them. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#hilarious #humor #june #laugh-at-loud #rick-riordan

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#comedy #demetri-martin #fly #funny #humor

You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by the way my wife's naked body glistened through his kitchen window. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#character #funny #humor #wife #funny

You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull. ↗

— MaryJanice Davidson

#funny #humor #humour #funny

I never got to call myself a door-to-door salesman, because, regrettably, I only ever went to one door. But one day I just might knock on another door, to be able to proudly say that I was once a door-to-door salesman. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #pride #salesman #funny