#humor

Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher. ↗

— Brett Tate

#funny #humor #humour #memoir #sex

A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

When we were sprung fro the hos[ital, we waited at the elevator with two other couples, who seemed as dazed and clueless as we were. We were all being set free to care for the tiny creatures and just figure this out on our own. Looking at our faces, I wondered how the human race continues to survive. ↗

— Rachel Dratch

#dating

Never thought I'd see the day when Death was denied. That leaves taxes as the only certainty. ↗

— Piers Anthony

#on-a-pale-horse #death

Cake and tea or death? ↗

— Eddie Izzard

#death

If your life was complete, you'd be dead. ↗

— Joshua Wisenbaker

#life #life-and-death #death

Look into your heart and ask yourself, what would you die for?" "I don't know. There’s really no reason for it, with modern science as advanced as it is. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #science #death

My sister, Judy, has always said that she would like to lie in state, propped up in her coffin with her eyes blared wide open, face fixed in a big grin, and have a taped greeting for all her mourners. Something real upbeat and, well, live-sounding, like: 'He-e-e-ey!Cuteshoestellyomamahi! ↗

— Jill Conner Browne

#humor #death

I'm not scared of death, I just don't want to seek it out. ↗

— Thomas James Higgins

#humor #irony #satire #death

Knackered inmates are easier to control than pumped-up ones. And dead inmates are even easier to control, if you follow me. ↗

— Alexander Gordon Smith

#humor #death