#median

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. ↗

— Jerry Seinfeld

#being #comedian #comedians #fun #get

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. ↗

— Jerry Seinfeld

#comedian #had #i #kind #personality

Since 1994, unemployment rates are lower. Median household income is higher. A greater percentage of Americans are graduating from college. Home ownership rates are higher. And the violent crime rate has decreased. ↗

— Cliff Stearns

#crime #crime rate #decreased #graduating #greater

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson. ↗

— John Oliver

#hilarious #baseball

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #humor #humorous #funny

Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today? Peanut: Yes we had a great day! Jose: No we did not. Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Yes Jose: No we did not have a good day. Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day! What? Jeff: Did you have a good day? Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Shut up Jeff: A good day? Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Shut up Jeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa. Peanut: I took him to the spa! Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer. Peanut: It's the same thing!!! ↗

— Jeff Dunham

#humor #jeff-dunham #jose-jalapeno-on-a-stick #peanut #humor

That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50. ↗

— Dana Carvey

#comedians #corporate #kicked #kind #laborious

I have worked with a great many comedians as opposed to comics, although I have worked with comics as well, I make the distinction. ↗

— Bobby Darin

#comedians #comics #distinction #great #i

I don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes. ↗

— Paul Rudd

#comedian #concern #consider #i #jokes

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. ↗

— Fred Allen

#been #comedian #comedy #compelled #compete