Garrison Keillor

If you can't read a simple goddam sign and follow one simple goddam instruction then get your fat butt the hell out of here. ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#humor

Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It's not the point of the thing, is it? ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#sex #marriage

My God, rich people have the time to praise You if they want to, but the poor people are so busy, accept their work as praise because, my God, they don’t have time for everything. ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#poor #business

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose. ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#came #childhood #food #hard #highlight

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#enough #forgive #god #good #good life

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#comedy #funny #god #how #know

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#getting #got #had #known #lies

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people. ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#far #gentle #greed #look #never

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming. ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#air conditioning #barbarians #brought #coming #conditioning

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.' ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#i think #most #say #thing #think